a funny ... a very good funny :)

TERROR  ALERT  LEVELS

The English are feeling the pinch in relation to recent events in Libya and have therefore raised their security level from “Miffed” to “Peeved.” Soon, though, security levels may be raised yet again to “Irritated” or even “A Bit Cross.” The English have not been “A Bit Cross” since the blitz in 1940 when tea supplies nearly ran out. Terrorists have been re-categorized from “Tiresome” to “A Bloody Nuisance.” The last time the British issued a “Bloody Nuisance” warning level was in 1588, when threatened by the Spanish Armada. 

The Scots have raised their threat level from “Pissed Off” to “Let’s get the Bastards.” They don’t have any other levels. This is the reason they have been used on the front line of the British army for the last 300 years. 

The French government announced yesterday that it has raised its terror alert level from “Run” to “Hide.” The only two higher levels in France are “Collaborate” and “Surrender.” The rise was precipitated by a recent fire that destroyed France ‘s white flag factory, effectively paralyzing the country’s military capability. 

Italy has increased the alert level from “Shout Loudly and Excitedly” to “Elaborate Military Posturing.” Two more levels remain: “Ineffective Combat Operations” and “Change Sides.” 

The Germans have increased their alert state from “Disdainful Arrogance” to “Dress in Uniform and Sing Marching Songs.” They also have two higher levels: “Invade a Neighbor” and “Lose.” 

Belgians, on the other hand, are all on holiday as usual; the only threat they are worried about is NATO pulling out of Brussels. 

The Spanish are all excited to see their new submarines ready to deploy. These beautifully designed subs have glass bottoms so the new Spanish navy can get a really good look at the old Spanish navy. 

Australia, meanwhile, has raised its security level from “No worries” to “She’ll be alright, Mate.” Two more escalation levels remain: “Crikey! I think we’ll need to cancel the barbie this weekend!” and “The barbie is canceled.” So far no situation has ever warranted use of the final escalation level.

RANT Time again .....

OK ...The warmer weather is getting here and the idiots are out on the roads again ....

So for the benefit of you car drivers and to save my professional driver bretheren a lot of grief heres a quick reminder of some basics

This is a Motorway ......

now dont be scared its quite safe IF YOU USE IT CORRECTLY !!!!














The lanes marked by the GREEN dots are the inside or SLOW lane .... if you are in this lane you should be travelling at a minimum of 56 mph traffic permitting ...that way you dont cause chaos behind you when that large truck that is gaining on you (but is limited to 56mph) has to move out into the middle lane (blue dots) to pass you ....

Now if I am in my truck in the middle lane (blue dots) its because some idiot has forgotten this cardinal rule and its no use tailgating me and flashing your lights ..it wont make my speed limited truck go any faster

The Overtaking lane (red dots)  trucks are not allowed in this lane because of the speed limitation so please feel free to use it instead of tailgating me.

Oh one last thing before I move on .... if you see a truck in the inside lane with his right hand indicator on denoting the fact that he wishes to move out into the middle lane to pass the idiot driving at 50mph in the inside lane ... THIS IS NOT A SIGNAL FOR YOU TO ACCELERATE PAST HIM IN THE MIDDLE LANE and if you do and he clips you because you were in his blind spot then you only have yourself to blame because now I've told you what that signal means :)

The highlighted part is a SLIP ROAD

You use this to accelerate to a minimum of 56mph (traffic permitting) so that you are travelling at the same speed as the slowest of the motorway traffic ..this enables you to join the traffic flow on the Motorway safely








YOU DO NOT WALLY DOWN THIS AT 30MPH THEN BRAKE AT THE END WHEN THE TRAFFIC APPEARS TO BE FLYING PAST YOU !!!!! .... doing so will only get you a truck embedded in the back of your car and a quick visit to hospital (if you are lucky)

Safe braking distances ....and how to spot them .....

Take a look at the photo on the left













Now then .....   the Green section is correct ..he is far enough back that he can react to any situation that occurs in front of him ,  the Orange section are a little to close but with modern brakes and tyres  they may just get away with it

AND THE LESS SAID ABOUT THE IDIOTS IN THE RED SECTION OF THE PICTURE THE BETTER !!!!


Now heres an easy way to make sure you are the correct distance away ... pick a stationary object (Bridge or lamp standard) when the vehicle in front of you passes it count to 3, if you are now passing the same object you are far enough back ...simples yes?

Woo Hoo - Finally :)

from the Warrington Guardian ..........

St Helens 18 Warrington Wolves 25

9:49pm Friday 25th February 2011

WHAT a beautiful night for Warrington Wolves.

Twenty-nine meetings without a win, 17 years without an away success against Saints – any way you look at it the gap between celebrations has been far too long.
But all the ribbing from the neighbouring fans on one of the most amazing records in British sport is over for the loyal and faithful primrose and blue army.
And how Tony Smith’s men deserved it.
They were dominant in all areas – more bullish down the middle, more creative at half back, more dangerous on attack and more precise with their fantastic kicking game.
Lee Briers bagged two tries in the opening 40 minutes as Wolves laid the platform.
Then it was all about maintaining their high standards for the full 80 minutes, something that has previously let them down.
But not this time. The powerhouses in the pack were relentless and backed with a superb kicking game from Briers and Michael Monaghan, last year’s Grand Final runners up rarely had a sniff.
Briers has suffered more defeats to Saints than most, particularly tough for him against the hometown club that let him go when he was only 17 years old.
So it was fitting that his drop goal in the 71st minute pushed Wolves 19 points ahead just after Saints had managed their first try of the game. Their second came with three minutes to go and another followed as consolation efforts.
Briers’ half back partner Richie Myler was in sensational form too, backing up a strong display in the win against Hull KR last week.
In fact, there was not a bad performer in the 17 and that is the only way to beat a team as classy as Saints.
To keep Saints to ‘nil’ in the first half was a magnificent effort.
Wolves’ goal-line defence was awesome, holding out for seven successive sets three quarters into the half and the supporters repaid their heroes with a standing ovation.
Just as good was Wolves’ ability to take the chances that came their way.
Tony Smith’s men were guilty of failing to find the final execution against Hull KR last week, but his men put that right against their fiercest of rivals.
Wolves opened the scoring in only the second minute.
A penalty given away by James Graham for holding down put Wolves in position and as Saints prepared for a wide attack Lee Briers dummied and shot over from 10 metres in front of the 2,700 primrose and blue army. Brett Hodgson added the conversion.
Wolves’ goal-line defence was given a severe test for the next few minutes and Saints were superbly held at bay.
Sia Soliola got over the line but Richie Myler was one of three to hold the back rower up.
Michael Monaghan relieved the pressure with a dazzling 40-20 and his teammates made the most of it to pin Saints on their own line.
Myler pointed for Hodgson to stick a little grubber behind the defence and the scrum half was on his own to pounced for try number two in the 16th minute. Again Hodgson converted for 12-0 and it sparked chants of ‘Are you Widnes in disguise?’ from the vibrant Wolves following.
Four minutes later Wolves were over the whitewash again.
Briers dabbed a kick towards the posts but it deflected off Paul Clough and fell nicely for Briers to pick up and scoot over. Hodgson kept up his 100 per cent record with the boot for 18-0.
Then it was all about backs to the wall and shutting up shop.
James Roby did manage to get over the line but he was prevented from touching down by three determined defenders and Wolves seemed to have an answer to everything that was thrown at them.
Wolves were first to pile on the pressure in the second half as the rain started to fall.
They forced successive drop outs and then when young stand off Lee Gaskell knocked on it was time to strike.
Myler’s short ball was good enough for Louis Anderson to angle his way over with one defender hanging off his shoulder. Hodgson’s conversion made it 24-0 with 53 minutes gone.
Saints finally got over the line themselves in the 67th minute, Michael Shenton forcing his way through Chris Riley from Kyle Eastmond’s short pass. Jonny Lomax goaled.
Briers knew what was needed, just in case Saints started one of their famous comebacks. He popped over a drop goal for 25-6.
When Chris Flannery crossed in the 78th minute and Lee Gaskell three minutes later, Saints had cut the gap to seven points but they ran out of time to bag any more.
The Wolves fans counted down the clock for the final 10 seconds and then erupted to marvel at Wolves’ first victory over Saints since 2001.
The pubs will run dry in Warrington tonight.

Saints: Paul Wellens; Ade Gardner, Michael Shenton, Jonny Lomax, Francis Meli; Lee Gaskell, Kyle Eastmond; James Graham, James Roby, Loui McCarthy-Scarsbrook, Chris Flannery, Sia Soliola, Jon Wilkin. Subs: Tony Puletua, Scott Moore, Paul Clough, Jamie Foster.

Wolves: Brett Hodgson; Joel Monaghan, Matty Blythe, Ryan Atkins, Chris Riley; Lee Briers, Richie Myler; Adrian Morley, Michael Monaghan, Garreth Carvell, Louis Anderson, Ben Westwood, David Solomona. Subs: Ben Harrison, Mickey Higham, Paul Wood, Rhys Evans.

ooh look an update :) .... or shit happens

Greetings everyone ... its been a while, chasing temp work all over and hassles with the bloody DSS have all contributed to this tardyness ....  okies excuses over, so where to start .....

The Bloody Garage

No progress as you can see on the build, and the next step is to take the bloody builder to court (which costs money that we dont have ... bollocks)

Movie Review Time Again 

A remake of the Swedish (I think ... well some Scandinavian country anyway) film.. "Let the Right One In", and they did .... a decent job of it.

This is a cracking little film with two believable and engaging leads, the visual effects and gore are kept to a minimum so that when they appear the shocks are genuine.

A great movie 7/10





Will Bill Nighy ever make a BAD movie ?  Well certainly not this one, he is in superb form as the French learning hitman assigned to go after Emily Blunt's minor con artist, this film is one of those gems that you discover and then are so glad you did, its a complete smile a minute from begining to end, with some genuine laugh out loud moments, even Rupert Grint freed from Potterland gets the chance to stretch his acting chops.

buy steal or rent this one,  highly recommended   9/10

Another day ... another sequel .... but suprise suprise this is great, I enjoyed the first movie but always felt a bit uneasy at the Cats all being villans (as a Cat lover meself) allthough Mr. Tinkles was a memorable villan.. Well in this superior sequel Dogs and Cats must unite to stop the most evil genius yet, the despicable Kitty Galore ...and thats all the spoilers you're getting

Grab this movie, settle down with your kids (if you haven't got kids borrow someone elses) and enjoy :)

Superb   9/10

Another sequel, having enjoyed the original movie when it came out i SO wanted to love this movie...but it left me hollow and wanting more, sure the updates to the disc game, and the lightcycles were brilliantly done and the nod to the original Paranoids was also well done, but like AVATAR before it, the visuals took precendence over plot.

On the plus side the visuals are great, the leads and the supporting cast are good, even the music is bearable (not a major fan of Daftpunk)

so why was I left wanting more ?

I cant quite put my finger on a specific reason, but this film could have been so much better

Good Effort   6/10

mm the first of the summer of superheroes blockbusters, well its....not a bad movie, but....its not a good one either, the best way to some it up would be ..meh

Dont get me wrong, Rogen and Chou as the leads and especially Waltz as the villan are superb and bring life to their comic book roles magnificently, but the fly in the ointment is Diaz, she is completely miscast here and her presence grates every time she is onscreen.

Good, but not great   6/10


The new TV Season


Lets take a little browse through the new series coming to our shores (for those of you who dont just download things straight from the US , here are my top 5 recommendations :)

lets start with a remake ... and this show is ...SUPERB, taking all the best parts of the original show and putting a modern slant onto it, in the first 5 episodes alone you will learn the origin of the phrase "Book em Dan-O" and how the "Five-Oh" taskforce got its name.

The Eye candy is good both for the ladies and the gents, and the whole project is handled with care, the scripts are good, the set pieces superb, and the acting first class.......HIGHLY RECOMMENDED :)

ah Raylan, Raylan... what an anti-hero :)

how to best sum up this series without spoiling it for you?

US Marshall Raylan Givens shoots a cartell member in Miami and is reassigned back to his hometown where he deals with the fact that everybody knows him, his father is a petty crook and his best friend just likes to blow shit up ...

Olyphant is excellent, the supporting cast are superb, the scripts tie together in a full season story arc, but can still be watched as a casual viewer, well made and again HIGHLY RECOMMENDED :)

 

ah the spin off series from the hugely popular NCIS (which itself was a spinoff from JAG ... is this the first time a spin off has spawned another spin off ?) OK I'll stop waffling and get back to the review ...

This show is as well written and acted as its parent show (which is high praise indeed) the cast is superb and the style of the show is just different enough from its parent to make it a worthy stand alone series in its own right ...

Another Highly recommended rating :)

Now into its third season in the US, not sure if its showing in this country yet, this show is the usual buddy cop formula with a twist in that the female lead is the detective and the male lead is a writer shadowing her for research for his next novel...

and that doesn't even scratch the surface of this superb series
Fillon even gets to insert nods to his previous well loved roles (Firefly anyone?) the banter between the leads is superbly witty, the supporting cast is superb .. i could go on but space forbids it ... give yourself a treat and catch this series ....SUPERB and HIGHLY RECOMMENDED :)



And Finally ......

This is an acquired taste, you will either love it or loathe it, personally I love it, its the role the later years Shatner was born to play, he sends himself up mercilesly in every episode and everyone knows someone like this.

very very funny if you "get" where the writers are coming from :)


Thats all for now folks   (see mr Stephenson .. I promised you an update ...enjoy )

JD :)